When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
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[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I have a new favorite meme page
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.