ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk