(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
You Might Also Like
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
anyone else like Italian cereal
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
He-man has a Masters degree
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”