anyone else like Italian cereal
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*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
He wanted to make sure😂
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo