“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.