“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Twitter fine art
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.