If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.


Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”


It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.


My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!


Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout


They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.


Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.


Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”