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me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”