Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.