(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?