The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE