Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet