My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”