hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”