I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.