I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
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I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
The struggle is real.