Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like