I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
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*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.