this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
me after eating Cheetos