Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.