A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.