Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

Matt Goss

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

I wanna be friends with this person

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.