My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
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Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”