@iwearaonesie
@decentbirthday [assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
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@decentbirthday 
@stevevsninjas So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
@sixfootcandy BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
@bingowings14 He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
@JohnLyonTweets Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
@PoodleSnarf Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
@nPhelendriqal No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
@Jake_Vig I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
@wildethingy For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
@omically make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.