Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.