I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.