[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.