this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
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[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit