Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
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Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?