Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Donating blood today to make room for more food