I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.