I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
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my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Strangers have the best candy.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.