In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September