This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food