[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: š® hampire
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“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like Iām screaming* Like that.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: youāre grounded
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
āHey, buddy. How was work?ā
And the dog goes āRUFF.ā
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why Iām not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say āplease donāt end your sentence with a prepositionā ok! i actually donāt know what that is
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Iāve had worse
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…