if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
#damn
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory