Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Discuss
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Just a phase…
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?