Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
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$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet