Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
*exercises sarcastically*
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.