Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
everyone has that one prude friend
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”