Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
What if all the cashiers are married?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho