Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
You Might Also Like
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.