… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Happy Friday
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.