i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
You Might Also Like
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.