My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.