[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
You Might Also Like
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Miscakes
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*