Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway