My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months