(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
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If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?