Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
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Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
LA today:
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I love it all
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
WTF
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.