Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
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i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to