*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
You Might Also Like
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
That’s it.I’m out.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.