*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.