Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
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My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
jesus, what did this guy do
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Meat Cute
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal