Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy