You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
You Might Also Like
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.