Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
men, we mow at sunrise.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?