If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?