[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth